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Now that
we have defined it, we must identify the agency that produced
it.
MS, or Microsoft
(though it can be argued that the acronym representing the
company responsible for Achievements in games can also be
responsible for MS, or Multiple Sclorosis; which becomes evident
due to an increase of importance of multiplayer in videogames,
thus eliminating the need for Singular Sclorosis, or SS),
have devised a way to reward your efforts in their video games.
And by "reward", they mean "compound",
and by "efforts" they mean "affliction."
Cheers!
My friends,
I am formerly of the afflicted. But the cure lies within the
heart of MS, one that must be purchased THROUGH them in order
to remove yourself FROM them.
And so I
present to you, the cure:
Get all
Achievements for R-Type Dimensions.
This re-release
(the short-hand being "ree-ree") of R-Type 1 and
2, when maxed, will make you remember that some games aren't
worth playing no matter what the "reward" is. So
how does the cure work?
It begins
as you start the game, with heavy implications towards ignorance:
not knowing the levels, unused to the patterns. Oh, but its
okay. You'll get it eventually, right? Most video games give
you a certain feeling of mastery after a bit of training,
but R-Type Dimensions (or the Vaccine, as I will refer to
it from now on) makes it abundantly clear from the get-go
that you're a fuckhole, and that you'll never amount to anything
within its universe.
But the
best medicine always tastes the worst so I'm told.
Once taken
externally, your anus will begin to expand as stage one and
stage two work through you like a pint of vodka and a jalapeno
pizza. Your body becomes baffled as you play a game that pits
obstacles and rear-firing enemies against you, but without
any efficient way of dealing with them. Already your repeated
deaths make it impossible to pass the stages as your powerups,
which are mandatory for any sort of success, are taken away
from you as you die.
And yet
stage three is upon you. You begin to fire endlessly on an
obstacle-course boss, wondering how many significant-others
you have bailed on in order to credit-feed through the stage.
As stage four hits your kidneys, the Achievement for finding
the hidden spores becomes secondary to the boss that can't
be defeated without powerups.
Fuck you,
stage five.
Convulsions
begin as stages six and seven eliminate your ability to procreate.
Your futile attempts at conversation with other sentient beings
are released from random orifaces as incoming fire and impossible
patterns fill the screen. And finally, the last stage. The
last boss instantly kills you over and over if you don't defeat
it within the imaginary time limit (can you imagine pumping
quarters into this bullshit?).
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