Let me preface
this by apologizing profusely to BAD. I haven't written anything
intelligible in over a year, I'm seriously considering dropping
C.Viper in favor of Rufus as my main, and I still haven't
quit smoking. And I sometimes play Ryu on occasion, which
is mostly unforgivable. Bad Sadguy. Perhaps I should be spanked?
I can think
of no other female gaming avatar that I'd like to deliver
that punishment. No, not BAD. Bayonetta, a super sexy, stylish
witch from the mind of Hideki Kamiya. If you don't know who
this man is, well...
probably scum of the earth. Or at the very least one sheltered
son of a bitch. This is the man primarily responsible for
the creation of the Devil May Cry series, and a consummate
seriously wicked titles under his belt, including Okami, Viewtiful
Joe, and Resident Evil (Shinji Mikami wasn't the ONLY guy
on that team, you assholes!) you could expect Bayonetta to
be a punishing, wickedly entertaining button buster with tons
of replay value and seriously over the top action. Well, you're
has the makings to be the benchmark for all subsequent action-adventure
gaming from now until the very end of time. It can seriously
far surpass any entry in the DMC series, as proven by a review
in the notoriously stingy Japanese gaming magazine Famitsu.
40 out of 40? I can think of another game that has gotten
that prestigious award. It's a little known game called, The
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Ring any bells?
honest. It was initially my testosterone that got me into
following this game. Really. I'd thought I'd gotten past all
that fanboy bullshit, drooling over pixels and the like, but
seriously; this chick is HOT. With a capital "Erection."
Glasses? Check. Pouty lips, constantly twisted into a sexy
melt-your-self-control smile? Check. Skin tight shiny black
suit made of hair? Ch- Wait, what the fuck?
fantasies aside, the more I read, the more I was intrigued.
Play magazine had an amazing article a few months back in
the summer, with an interview with Kamiya himself. After I'd
read that, I started to consider taking it a little more seriously.
The only other game on the horizon I'd really been saving
shelf space for was Splatterhouse. Yeah, Q3 2010 my ass (it'll
probably come packaged with Duke Nukem Forever at this point).
Anyways, I had to reevaluate what I thought was going to be
a big selling point for this game.
in America, sex sells. Lately, however, I've been doing a
little market study on game sales here in the good 'ol "Yoo
Ess of Ay." Sex has definitely taken a backseat to plain
'ol violence in the last 5 years or so. Look at the abysmal
sales of the last Tomb Raider game. Let's see how bad Wet
tanked. The Guy Game on Xbox is so horrid, that Gamestop STOPPED
taking copies of it entirely after the first two weeks of
it being released. Sex can definitely be an accessory to any
game, but definitely not the main selling point. Call of Duty:
Modern Warfare 2 opened it's first week with over 9 million
copies sold, and the only sex in that game is me getting buttfucked
everytime I try to play online.
HAD to find out more about this game. I was working myself
into a fever pitch, rabidly devouring every scrap of Internet
rumor, lustily absorbing every image, and feverishly perusing
every magazine that had even a mention about Bayonetta. I
had to wash my hands and eyes after actually having not only
picked up, but read a Game Informer. It was well worth it
in the long run, because that beautiful witch with the body
to kill for had invoked a desire in me that had nothing to
do with my two-ball lotion thrower and everything to do with
I walked right into that one.
holding a controller. Lately, I've hit this gaming slump.
I play SFIV on occasion, until some random Ken, Seth, or Ryu
jackass scrubs it up and I damn near slam dunk a perfectly
good joystick into the floor at something proximate to mach
3. Mainly, I've been playing flash games or classic trash.
About 4 hours a week. Meaning, I'd almost given up on next-Gen
gaming, instead choosing to relive past glories on PS2 and
I wasn't just waiting for something worth waiting for. Out
of nowhere, I've got a game on the horizon I just can't fucking
WAIT to try. And this week, I got really lucky, signed up
on Gamespot, and got the demo. And wow...
Really. *ahem* I'll try to regain some semblance of professionalism
here. But if I start spuming up some random fanboy bullshit,
please forgive me; this game really has that kind of effect
cutscene is something of a mystery- you can only assume the
narration has something to do with our lovely main character.
The still scene is framed with tape reel, like watching stock
news footage, complete with a sepia filter that really sets
a feel for an event that happened not-so-recently. It leaves
you wondering, "what happened, and who is this other
party the orator is referencing?" Once the cinematic
is done, it takes you to the title screen which is...the title
screen. It's a title screen, motherfucker. Not a lot to say,
really. Once you press Start, you're taken to a mission select
screen, of which you have three to choose from. I start with
a tutorial in every game I play, so I know what buttons to
press and when, and then have something to blame when everything
goes horribly wrong ("THE FUCKING TUTORIAL DOESN'T SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT THE LAST BOSS HAVING A MOVE THAT KILLS YOU
IN ONE HIT THIS IS BULLSHIT ARGH FUCK YOU KONAMI!"),
and so on.
de go! And holy shit...
like Steve Urkel next to the fluidity, style, and grace of
Bayonetta. Not only visually appealing, but easy...oh so easy
to do anything, from aerial combo setups, to weapon switch
combos, evasions, finishing "Torture Attacks"...it
literally rides like the hot wheels car you dreamed about
having when you were 6 years old. To kind of explain the feel,
it's like DMC...
little Dynasty Warriors...
a dab of Final Fight...
a side of God of War. You know what? It's nothing like any
of that. It's like being surrounded by puppies. It's like
flying an SR-71 Blackbird with the powers of your mind. It's
like being in the pit at a Slayer concert. (BAD recommends
replacing "Slayer" with "Terror") It's
like having the best orgasm of your life and it feels like
all these things AT THE SAME TIME! All combos flow easily,
and can be interrupted at just about any time with an evasion
technique, making every combo instantly and infinitely useful.
You can choose to lock onto one opponent, or use an extremely
intuitive auto lock feature that switches priority depending
on proximity. And, for God sakes, you get all this feeling
and emotion during the TUTORIAL!
first actual mission. Beautiful Bayonetta is considering the
approaching armada of angels flying before a pale moon with
a caustic eye. Not at all fearful, she takes stock of the
situation and prepares to do battle on the face of clock tower
(which has been blown to bits and is falling down the face
of a cliff). The music is an orchestral, choral piece aptly
named "One of a Kind," which is slightly reminiscent
of "Duel of the Fates" from Star Wars Ep1, only
much better suited to the scene taking place. Suddenly, an
endless torrent of angelic tormentors rains upon you with
no respite whatsoever. You quickly apply everything you remember
from the tutorial (which is probably just the bullet climax,
which is absolutely the coolest thing ever) and start laying
waste to Heaven's army. Blood, gore, random strings of viscera
and chunks of flesh splatter the small area as the battle
is joined. The chaos is so thick it's sometimes difficult
to see what's happening...and somehow through it all...no
matter how overwhelming it seems, it's simply the most amazing
battle you have yet experienced. And it's not over yet.
clock face slams into a rock outcropping, exploding into a
huge conflagration of stone and fire...and the battle rages
on! This fight continues in much the same way until it's dramatic
conclusion, which is brought on by what I only hope is a boss
later on in the game. I won't spoil much more...maybe not
"spoil," per se...I mean, shit, what is there to
spoil? The footage is all over Youtube, the Platinum Games
website, and just about any gaming website in existence. I
think, what I mean to say, is that I'll duck out here and
let you decide for yourself. No poor words of mine will influence
you to try this game if you've already set your mind to something
else. I will, however, inform everyone with the opinion that
this game is nothing more than tits and ass trying to make
cash that they are dead wrong. Bayonetta is style, substance,
feminine grace, and beauty...all wrapped up in a killer package
that can smash your perception of the quintessential male
hero to bits.