BAD'S Commentary Page


  || WRITER ||   Headquarters
  || DATED ||   12.09.2009


I have found the cure.

It took a long time, and a 20k Gamerscore to get it, but I found it. And I am more than happy to be able to share this vaccine with you, for free. But first, lets define the disease that plagues us...

Achievement Whore Disorder: one who plays games to increase a numerical display on the Xbox 360 dashboard without regard to personal game taste, individual satisfaction, or via the abandonment of the requisite mental, physical, and/or social well-being of your average homo-sapien.



AWD can be categorized, but not limited to, the following (in order from minimum to maximum severity):

Stage 1 (minimum severity): A smile comes to your face when the Achievement bubble pops up, but not while you are actually playing the game.

Stage 2: You feel uncontrollably compelled to "keep up" with your friends.

Stage 3: You have maxed out any Xbox Live Arcade game (admirable, put painful to get).

Stage 4: King Kong, TMNT, and Avatar: TLA: TBE appear (maxed out of course) on your game list.

Stage 5 (maximum severity): You maxed out Dead Rising. *Warning: this is the Event Horizon of AWD (Event Horizon being defined as the point of no return within a black hole).




Now that we have defined it, we must identify the agency that produced it.

MS, or Microsoft (though it can be argued that the acronym representing the company responsible for Achievements in games can also be responsible for MS, or Multiple Sclorosis; which becomes evident due to an increase of importance of multiplayer in videogames, thus eliminating the need for Singular Sclorosis, or SS), have devised a way to reward your efforts in their video games. And by "reward", they mean "compound", and by "efforts" they mean "affliction."


My friends, I am formerly of the afflicted. But the cure lies within the heart of MS, one that must be purchased THROUGH them in order to remove yourself FROM them.

And so I present to you, the cure:

Get all Achievements for R-Type Dimensions.

This re-release (the short-hand being "ree-ree") of R-Type 1 and 2, when maxed, will make you remember that some games aren't worth playing no matter what the "reward" is. So how does the cure work?

It begins as you start the game, with heavy implications towards ignorance: not knowing the levels, unused to the patterns. Oh, but its okay. You'll get it eventually, right? Most video games give you a certain feeling of mastery after a bit of training, but R-Type Dimensions (or the Vaccine, as I will refer to it from now on) makes it abundantly clear from the get-go that you're a fuckhole, and that you'll never amount to anything within its universe.

But the best medicine always tastes the worst so I'm told.

Once taken externally, your anus will begin to expand as stage one and stage two work through you like a pint of vodka and a jalapeno pizza. Your body becomes baffled as you play a game that pits obstacles and rear-firing enemies against you, but without any efficient way of dealing with them. Already your repeated deaths make it impossible to pass the stages as your powerups, which are mandatory for any sort of success, are taken away from you as you die.

And yet stage three is upon you. You begin to fire endlessly on an obstacle-course boss, wondering how many significant-others you have bailed on in order to credit-feed through the stage. As stage four hits your kidneys, the Achievement for finding the hidden spores becomes secondary to the boss that can't be defeated without powerups.

Fuck you, stage five.

Convulsions begin as stages six and seven eliminate your ability to procreate. Your futile attempts at conversation with other sentient beings are released from random orifaces as incoming fire and impossible patterns fill the screen. And finally, the last stage. The last boss instantly kills you over and over if you don't defeat it within the imaginary time limit (can you imagine pumping quarters into this bullshit?).



After reading the above, there are things to consider when taking the Vaccine:

1) The above only described R-Type 1.

2) Solving it = 40 Gamerscore out of 200.

3) There still is R-Type 2, whose cancerous effects can be summed up with one phrase: disappearing and reappearing obstacles. Have fun with that.

Even so, I am a survivor.

I passed stage one and two without powerups or charge shots. I killed 30,000 across all games. I even found someone to get the co-op Achievements (I found him on a game forum and
randomly friended him to play the Vaccine. Let me just say this: he maxed out Dead Rising, not kidding). If you haven't figured out by now, the Vaccine comes with its consequences. So what does this mean?

It means that seventeen hours later, I have cleansed my system of the MS prescribed AWD. And after seventeen hours of mostly R-Type 1, God spoke to me, and It said:


I have found the cure.