Let me preface this by apologizing profusely to BAD. I haven't written anything intelligible in over a year, I'm seriously considering dropping C.Viper in favor of Rufus as my main, and I still haven't quit smoking. And I sometimes play Ryu on occasion, which is mostly unforgivable. Bad Sadguy. Perhaps I should be spanked?

I can think of no other female gaming avatar that I'd like to deliver that punishment. No, not BAD. Bayonetta, a super sexy, stylish witch from the mind of Hideki Kamiya. If you don't know who this man is, well...

...you're probably scum of the earth. Or at the very least one sheltered son of a bitch. This is the man primarily responsible for the creation of the Devil May Cry series, and a consummate badass.

With some seriously wicked titles under his belt, including Okami, Viewtiful Joe, and Resident Evil (Shinji Mikami wasn't the ONLY guy on that team, you assholes!) you could expect Bayonetta to be a punishing, wickedly entertaining button buster with tons of replay value and seriously over the top action. Well, you're mostly wrong.

This game has the makings to be the benchmark for all subsequent action-adventure gaming from now until the very end of time. It can seriously far surpass any entry in the DMC series, as proven by a review in the notoriously stingy Japanese gaming magazine Famitsu. 40 out of 40? I can think of another game that has gotten that prestigious award. It's a little known game called, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Ring any bells?

I'll be honest. It was initially my testosterone that got me into following this game. Really. I'd thought I'd gotten past all that fanboy bullshit, drooling over pixels and the like, but seriously; this chick is HOT. With a capital "Erection." Glasses? Check. Pouty lips, constantly twisted into a sexy melt-your-self-control smile? Check. Skin tight shiny black suit made of hair? Ch- Wait, what the fuck?

All fap fantasies aside, the more I read, the more I was intrigued. Play magazine had an amazing article a few months back in the summer, with an interview with Kamiya himself. After I'd read that, I started to consider taking it a little more seriously. The only other game on the horizon I'd really been saving shelf space for was Splatterhouse. Yeah, Q3 2010 my ass (it'll probably come packaged with Duke Nukem Forever at this point). Anyways, I had to reevaluate what I thought was going to be a big selling point for this game.

Typically, in America, sex sells. Lately, however, I've been doing a little market study on game sales here in the good 'ol "Yoo Ess of Ay." Sex has definitely taken a backseat to plain 'ol violence in the last 5 years or so. Look at the abysmal sales of the last Tomb Raider game. Let's see how bad Wet tanked. The Guy Game on Xbox is so horrid, that Gamestop STOPPED taking copies of it entirely after the first two weeks of it being released. Sex can definitely be an accessory to any game, but definitely not the main selling point. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 opened it's first week with over 9 million copies sold, and the only sex in that game is me getting buttfucked everytime I try to play online.

I absolutely HAD to find out more about this game. I was working myself into a fever pitch, rabidly devouring every scrap of Internet rumor, lustily absorbing every image, and feverishly perusing every magazine that had even a mention about Bayonetta. I had to wash my hands and eyes after actually having not only picked up, but read a Game Informer. It was well worth it in the long run, because that beautiful witch with the body to kill for had invoked a desire in me that had nothing to do with my two-ball lotion thrower and everything to do with my hands...

...ah Christ, I walked right into that one.

Hands, meaning holding a controller. Lately, I've hit this gaming slump. I play SFIV on occasion, until some random Ken, Seth, or Ryu jackass scrubs it up and I damn near slam dunk a perfectly good joystick into the floor at something proximate to mach 3. Mainly, I've been playing flash games or classic trash. About 4 hours a week. Meaning, I'd almost given up on next-Gen gaming, instead choosing to relive past glories on PS2 and GameCube.

Suddenly, I wasn't just waiting for something worth waiting for. Out of nowhere, I've got a game on the horizon I just can't fucking WAIT to try. And this week, I got really lucky, signed up on Gamespot, and got the demo. And wow...

...just...

...Wow. Really. *ahem* I'll try to regain some semblance of professionalism here. But if I start spuming up some random fanboy bullshit, please forgive me; this game really has that kind of effect on people.

The opening cutscene is something of a mystery- you can only assume the narration has something to do with our lovely main character. The still scene is framed with tape reel, like watching stock news footage, complete with a sepia filter that really sets a feel for an event that happened not-so-recently. It leaves you wondering, "what happened, and who is this other party the orator is referencing?" Once the cinematic is done, it takes you to the title screen which is...the title screen. It's a title screen, motherfucker. Not a lot to say, really. Once you press Start, you're taken to a mission select screen, of which you have three to choose from. I start with a tutorial in every game I play, so I know what buttons to press and when, and then have something to blame when everything goes horribly wrong ("THE FUCKING TUTORIAL DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE LAST BOSS HAVING A MOVE THAT KILLS YOU IN ONE HIT THIS IS BULLSHIT ARGH FUCK YOU KONAMI!"), and so on.

Tutorial de go! And holy shit...

Dante seems like Steve Urkel next to the fluidity, style, and grace of Bayonetta. Not only visually appealing, but easy...oh so easy to do anything, from aerial combo setups, to weapon switch combos, evasions, finishing "Torture Attacks"...it literally rides like the hot wheels car you dreamed about having when you were 6 years old. To kind of explain the feel, it's like DMC...

...and Ninja Gaiden...

...and a little Dynasty Warriors...

...with a dab of Final Fight...

...with a side of God of War. You know what? It's nothing like any of that. It's like being surrounded by puppies. It's like flying an SR-71 Blackbird with the powers of your mind. It's like being in the pit at a Slayer concert. (BAD recommends replacing "Slayer" with "Terror") It's like having the best orgasm of your life and it feels like all these things AT THE SAME TIME! All combos flow easily, and can be interrupted at just about any time with an evasion technique, making every combo instantly and infinitely useful. You can choose to lock onto one opponent, or use an extremely intuitive auto lock feature that switches priority depending on proximity. And, for God sakes, you get all this feeling and emotion during the TUTORIAL!

Enter the first actual mission. Beautiful Bayonetta is considering the approaching armada of angels flying before a pale moon with a caustic eye. Not at all fearful, she takes stock of the situation and prepares to do battle on the face of clock tower (which has been blown to bits and is falling down the face of a cliff). The music is an orchestral, choral piece aptly named "One of a Kind," which is slightly reminiscent of "Duel of the Fates" from Star Wars Ep1, only much better suited to the scene taking place. Suddenly, an endless torrent of angelic tormentors rains upon you with no respite whatsoever. You quickly apply everything you remember from the tutorial (which is probably just the bullet climax, which is absolutely the coolest thing ever) and start laying waste to Heaven's army. Blood, gore, random strings of viscera and chunks of flesh splatter the small area as the battle is joined. The chaos is so thick it's sometimes difficult to see what's happening...and somehow through it all...no matter how overwhelming it seems, it's simply the most amazing battle you have yet experienced. And it's not over yet.

The massive clock face slams into a rock outcropping, exploding into a huge conflagration of stone and fire...and the battle rages on! This fight continues in much the same way until it's dramatic conclusion, which is brought on by what I only hope is a boss later on in the game. I won't spoil much more...maybe not "spoil," per se...I mean, shit, what is there to spoil? The footage is all over Youtube, the Platinum Games website, and just about any gaming website in existence. I think, what I mean to say, is that I'll duck out here and let you decide for yourself. No poor words of mine will influence you to try this game if you've already set your mind to something else. I will, however, inform everyone with the opinion that this game is nothing more than tits and ass trying to make cash that they are dead wrong. Bayonetta is style, substance, feminine grace, and beauty...all wrapped up in a killer package that can smash your perception of the quintessential male hero to bits.